Everyone Self-googles. And, I Have, Of Course,

You Have To Take The Chance To Bomb And Disappoint Audiences.

I Love Going To Weddings. And I Love It When My Friends Get Married. I'm Not Against Marriage But It's Just Not For Me. I'm A Vegetarian, But I Don't Have A Problem If You Want A Hamburger.

When You're A Comic, It's Like Being Born Gay. It's What You Want To Do Every Night When Your Other Friends Are Out At Night Going To Parties.

I Remember The Horror Story That I Told Myself Over And Over Again. I'm Totally Alone In My Body. I'm Totally Alone In My Head And Nobody Will Ever See Through My Eyes. I'm Just Completely Alone.

I Got Jury Duty And I Didn't Want To Go, So My Friend Said, "you Should Write Something Really Really Racist On The Form When You Return It. Like, You Should Put 'i Hate Chinks'." And I Said, "i'm Not Going To Put That On There Just To Get Out Of Jury Duty. I Don't Want People To Think That About Me." So Instead I Wrote, "i Love Chinks." And Who Doesn't?