Dave! Relax! Close Your Buttcheeks!

I've Been A Comedian Since I Was Fourteen. But I've Never Really Been A Ceo.

I Don't Normally Talk About My Religion Publicly Because I Don't Want People To Associate Me And My Flaws With This Beautiful Thing. And I Believe It Is Beautiful Religion If You Learn It The Right Way.

There's Something About Doing Stand-up That's Cathartic.

America, I Appreciate You Liking Me.

If You're Brad Pitt And Jennifer Aniston, And Your Marriage Is Breaking Up - That's An Awful Thing. But To See That Speculation In People, It's Gotta Sting A Little Bit.