Dave! Relax! Close Your Buttcheeks!

Somebody Broke Into My House Once, This Is A Good Time To Call The Police, But Mm Mm, Nope. The House Was Too Nice. It Was A Real Nice House, But They'd Never Believe I Lived In It. They'd Be Like 'he's Still Here!

I've Been A Comedian Since I Was Fourteen. But I've Never Really Been A Ceo.

Weed's Not As Bad As Everything Else... 'cause Weed Is A Background Substance. You Know What I Mean, You Can Smoke Some Herb And Still Function. You Ain't Crisp... But You'll Function.

You Get Sick Of Jokes, You Know. Either I Do Them On Tv, And Then You Worry, Like, "oh, Everyone's Gonna See It," So You Chuck It, Or You Just Get Sick Of Saying It. After A While, A Joke, If You Say It Too Much, Just Becomes Contrived, Or Fake-sounding.

I Have A Very Good Life, A High Quality Of Life. I Have Both Money And Time. No One Has That.