You Can't Become Tempted If You Just

I Can Do More Than Just Stand-up Comedy, And The Only Way I'll Be Able To Show That Is If I Do It Myself. Because Nobody Trusts That I Can Do It.

When You Get Hit By A Car Sometimes Your Shoes Will Fly Off, Sometimes Your Pants Will Come Off, But I Was Not Fortunate Enough To See The Pants Portion.

I'm Really Great In Other Peoples Relationships.

I Can Smell Bullshit From A Mile Away But It's So Much Harder To Detect When It's Around You All Day.

My Real First Job Was Delivering Newspapers With I Was 15. I Would Ride My Bike Around And Chuck Papers At People's Houses. The Thing That Sucked Is When I Would Go Collecting Everyone Acted Like They Were Not Home. Totally Sucked But Because I Could Control The Weather I Showered Trashcan Size Hail Down On Their Homes Until They Were Completely Decimated.