When You Go To A Bar That

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

I Bought Myself A Parrot, But It Did Not Say "i'm Hungry", And So It Died.

A Severed Foot Is The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer.

I Like It When You Reach Into A Vending Machine To Grab Your Candy Bar, And That Flap Goes Up To Block You From Reaching Up? That's A Good Invention. Before That, It Was Hard Times For The Vending Machine Owners. "yeah, What Candy Bar Are You Getting?" "that One, And Every One On The Bottom Row!"

If You Can't Sleep, Count Sheep. Don't Count Endangered Animals. You Will Run Out.