When I Was 10, I Beat Up

My First Job As A Kid Was Going From Door To Door Selling Christmas Cards, To Raise Money For My Grandmother's Hip Replacement. Because, You Know... You Break It, You Buy It.

New York's Such A Wonderful City. Although I Was At The Library Today. The Guy Was Very Rude. I Said, "i'd Like A Card." He Says, "you Have To Prove You're A Citizen Of New York." So I Stabbed Him.

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.

Libertarians Believe Consenting Adults Have The Right To Do Whatever They Choose, Except Band Together.

I Wanted To Get From 4th Street To 8th... Then I Remembered Einstein Postulating That Parallel Lines Eventually Meet. They're Dredging My Car From Lake Michigan As We Speak.