I Was Sleeping The Other Night, Alone,

If You Can Make Just One Person Laugh, Then You Are Already Doing Better Than Tony Danza.

I Wanted To Get From 4th Street To 8th... Then I Remembered Einstein Postulating That Parallel Lines Eventually Meet. They're Dredging My Car From Lake Michigan As We Speak.

I'm Totally Normal In Every Respect, But I Have This One Quirk - I Can't Give Out A Number Without Laughing. It's A Problem When I'm Giving My Credit Card Number Over The Phone Because They Always Think: 'he Must Have Just Stolen It.'

I Told My Wife She Looks Sexy With Black Fingernails. Now She Thinks I Slammed The Car Door On Her Hand On Purpose.

I Was Sick Of People Making Fun Of My Hair And So I Cut It Off And I've Got Much More Attention Than Ever Before. It Was Like When Mona Lisa Was Stolen From The Louvre In 1906 - Three Times More People Came To See Where It Used To Be.