When Another Comedian Has A Lousy Show,

When I Give Concerts, The Tickets Sell For Five Dollars To One Hundred Dollars, But For My Concerts The Five-dollar Seats Are Down In Front... The Further Back You Go, The More You Have To Pay. The Hundred Dollar Seats Are The Last Two Rows, And Those Tickets Go Like Hotcakes! In Fact, If You Pay Two Hundred Dollars You Don't Have To Come At All.

Modesty Is My Best Quality.

I Went To A Meeting For Premature Ejactulators. I Left Early.

I Don't Deserve This Award, But I Have Arthritis And I Don't Deserve That Either.

A Scout Troop Consists Of Twelve Little Kids Dressed Like Schmucks Following A Big Schmuck Dressed Like A Kid.