Trust Everybody, But Cut The Cards Yourself.

Marriage Is Better Than Leprosy Only Because It's Easier To Get Rid Of.

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.

Scotch Needs Water Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle.

Sleep! The Most Beautiful Experience In Life. Except Drink.

No One Likes The Fellow Who Is All Rogue, But We'll Forgive Him Almost Anything If There Is Warmth Of Human Sympathy Underneath His Rogueries. The Immortal Types Of Comedy Are Just Such Men.