To Be A Comedian, You Have To

So I'm Reading A Book On My New Ipad, But Can't The Ipad Read It For Me? Do I Have To Do Everything?

I Have Never Really Lived With Anyone In My Adult Years. I Just Read My Sports Ticker. And 50 Shades Of Grey.

I Can Tell If Someone Is Talking To Me Because I'm On 'friends' Or Cause They Just Think I'm Neat. You Know I Don't Think I've Ever Spent More Than Five Or Ten Minutes With Somebody Who Was Ogling Me Because They Recognized Me From The Show.

If There's A Silence In A Room I'll Try To Fill It As Soon As Humanly Possible.

If I Hadn't Had The Experience Of Being Famous, I Would Have Searched For It My Whole Life. I Would Have Just Gone On And On Trying To Find It.