Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

I'd Rather Have Two Girls At 21 Each Than One Girl At 42.

I've Been On A 46-year Diet Of Olives And Alcohol. The Latter I Consume. The Former I Save And Use Over Again In More Alcohol. In My Lifetime, I Imagine, I Have Consumed At Least $200,000 Worth Of Whisky.

Marriage Is Better Than Leprosy Only Because It's Easier To Get Rid Of.

Try Till You Succeed...if You Don't Succeed Once, Then Destroy All Evidence Of The Fact That You Tried!

If I Had To Live My Life Over, I'd Live Over A Saloon.