The Jews Are Just Clumsy Bakers.

Let's Face It, It's Only Called Scrubs Because I'm Saving 'zach Braff' For My Autobiography.

First I Took A Crap On The Hooker's Chest, Then I Told Her I'd Pay Her A Thousand Dollars To Eat It. She Was Addicted To Crack, So Of Course She Did It. It Was So Gross, Though, It Made Her Throw Up, So I Said I'd Pay Her Another Thousand To Lick All That Up, Too. She Started To, But For Some Reason She Started Crying As She Was Doing It, Saying, 'i Went To College! I Have A Degree!' Oh Man, It Was Hilarious. I Don't Know If It Was Technically Sex Because I Just Beat Off On Her Face, But Definitely One Of My Most Intense Orgasms.

I've Always Tried To Learn From The Greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... It's Just That There's This Tremendous Pressure To Correct All The Things They Got Wrong.

The Only Women I Publicly Date Are Those Who Have A Higher Imdb Rating Than Me.

When I Played The Shins, I Changed Someone's Life. When I Play Belle And Sebastian In A Pivotal Scene In My Next Movie...well, Let's Just Say I Made Sure I That I Can't Be Held Legally Responsible For All The Deaths People Will Suffer Out Of Shock Upon Hearing Them. They're A Terrific Band.