The Digital Camera Is A Great Invention

When Telling A Story About How Wasted You Were Last Night, Stop.

If Only Loud People Were Even Half As Interesting As They Think They Are.

You Know What's The Greatest Part Of Anything Ever In The History Of Everything? Exaggeration. No, Wait; It's Correcting Yourself. No, Better Yet, It's Making Lists.

I Don't Have To Kill Myself, Time Is Going To Do That.

I Got Into Stand Up Just To Do Stand Up Because I Love Stand Up.