[televised Stand-up] Never Really Makes Me Laugh.

All My Life's About Is Cracking Up People And Them Cracking Me Up And Trying Not To Think About Dying. That Doesn't Cost Very Much Money.

The Standard Of Morals Is As Variable As Morals Themselves; Of Which Every Nation Has A Different Code, And Every Custom A Different Reading.

If You Watch That Show And You Didn't Know It Was Called Seinfeld, You'd Think It Was Called 'the George Costanza Show'.

You Ever Be Having A Really Good Dream, And Then, Uh- Right In The Middle Of The Dream You Wake Up, Right In The Best Part Of The Dream? And There You Are, Back In Your Stinkin' Life Again? Man, That's Rough, Eh?

A Great Cause Of Evil In The World Is That Men Seldom Think Themselves Criminal If They Offer The Same Injustice To Others That Has Been Successfully Practiced On Themselves.