No One Ever Said Life Was Fair.

Comedy Is Tragedy Plus Time.

People Invite Me To Dinner Not Because I Can Cook, But Because I Like To Clean Up. I Get Immediate Gratification From Windex. Yes, I Do Windows.

Adolescence Is Just One Big Walking Pimple.

When You Have A Dream, You've Got To Grab It And Never Let Go.

It's Almost Impossible To Be Funnier Than The People In Washington.