Never Run With Scissors Or Other Pointy

So, Have You Heard About The Oyster Who Went To A Disco And Pulled A Mussel?

When I Was 12, We Went From Glasgow To Aberdeen On A School Trip. It Was Called Fresh Air Fortnight.

I Think Comedy Is Difficult, And I'm Amazed So Many People Want To Do It. I'll Be Buying Jeans And Somebody Will Say, "i'm A Comedian" - The Guy Selling You The Jeans. The Desire To Be A Comedian Is Weird. I Found It Weird Myself To Want To Be One; I Was A Schoolboy When I Wanted To Be One But I Didn't Know How To Do It. That Was 50 Years Ago, So Times Have Changed Greatly. There Seems To Be A Long Line Of People Desperate To Do It And Most Of Them Are Quite Good.

I Don't Aim To Offend.

I Don't Like The Beach. I Think We Have No Business At The Beach At All, As A Species. We Don't Belong In The Sea. The Sea Is Full Of Things That Bite Us, Sting Us, Hurt The Soles Of Our Feet, And It's Extremely Cold. When Are We Gonna Take The Hint That The Things That Live In The Sea Don't Like Us?