List of S. J. Perelman Quotes

Only The Scenario Writers Are Exempt. These Are Tied Between The Tails Of Two Spirited Caucasian Ponies, Which Are Then Driven Off In Opposite Directions. This Custom Is Called A Conference.

All Right, So Call Me Miss Cliche Of 1960, But The Thing About The Married Ones That Always Spooks Me Is How Sweet And Attentive They Are At First, When They're On The Prowl.

This Medal (the National Book Award) Together With My American Express Card, Will Identify Me Worldwide ... Except At Bloomingdale's.

In Pulp Fiction It Is A Rigid Convention That The Hero's Shoulders And The Heroine's Balcon Constantly Threaten To Burst Their Bonds, A Possibility Which Keeps The Audience In A State Of Tense Expectancy. Unfortunately For The Fans, However, Recent Tests Reveal That The Wisp Of Chiffon Which Stands Between The Publisher And The Postal Laws Has The Tensile Strength Of Drop-forged Steel.

Tomatoes And Squash Never Fail To Reach Maturity. You Can Spray Them With Acid, Beat Them With Sticks And Burn Them; They Love It.

He Bit His Lip In A Manner Which Immediately Awakened My Maternal Sympathy, And I Helped Him Bite It.

I'm Half Scotch-irish On Both Sides, And When I Lose My Temper-brother, I Go.

One Stifling Summer Afternoon Last August, In The Attic Of A Tiny Stone House In Pennsylvania, I Made A Most Interesting Discovery: The Shortest, Cheapest Method Of Inducing A Nervous Breakdown Ever Perfected. In This Technique..., The Subject Is Placed In A Sharply Sloping Attic Heated To 340 F And Given A Mothproof Closet Known As The Jiffy-cloz To Assemble.

A Farm Is An Irregular Patch Of Nettles Bounded By Short-term Notes, Containing A Fool And His Wife Who Didn't Know Enough To Stay In The City.

Nature, It Appears, Has Been Rather More Bountiful To Paul's Body And Purse Than To His Intellect; Above The Ears, Speaking Bluntly, The Boy Is Strictly Tapioca.

As For Consulting A Dentist Regularly, My Punctuality Practically Amounted To A Fetish. Every Twelve Years I Would Drop Whatever I Was Doing And Allow Wild Caucasian Ponies To Drag Me To A Reputable Orthodontist.

We Old Roosters Must Be Cautious. Don't Try To Outwit Your Arteries.