My Son Did Not Show Signs Of

I Was Leafing Through A Magazine Where There Was A Before-and-after Picture Of A Woman Who Went From A Size 5 To A Size 3 By Liposuction. Was She Serious? I've Cooked Bigger Turkeys Than Her "before" Picture.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.

My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.