My Real Last Name Is Galifianakisburg.

I Don't Like To Have Anybody Tell Me To Be In A Place At Certain Times. That's Kind Of The Advantage Of Stand Up. You're Self-employed.

I'd Like To Do A Reality Show With Four White People...who Are Dropped Off In A Really Bad Black Neighborhood. And The Show Would Be Called...cracker Hunt.

I'll Never Forget My Grandmother's Last Words. She Said 'what Are You Doing?'

I Think If You Come Out To California Trying To Be An Actor, It's Pretty Hard. There's Desperation. A Lot Of People Are Desperate, And A Lot Of People Are Clueless, Including Me. It's Hard To Try To Figure It Out. I've Never Told You, But I Have Head Shots That If You Saw Them... They're So Terrible! It's So Embarrassing.

The Other Day, I Got A Henna Tattoo That Says "forever."