My Name Is Zach Galifianakis And I

I Like To Read The Bible In Public Places Where People Are Watching Me Read It. And I Like To Mumur Out To Myself: 'bullshit!'

I Just Could Just Shave My Beard, And Nobody Would Recognize Me. Although I Look Like Jodie Foster.

A Good Stand-up, You Lead The Audience. You Don't Kowtow To The Audience. Sometimes The Audience Is Wrong. I Always Think The Audience Is Wrong.

I Wish I Could Sit Back And Say, 'oh, I'm Gonna Wait For A Merchant-ivory Film To Come My Way. Or Ivory-merchant. Whatever It's Called. But You Just Take What's Given And Then, Hopefully, Down The Road You Can Be More Choosy And Only Do, Say, Wayans Brothers Movies. That's My Goal: To Be More Merchant-ivory-wayans.

You Know, Sometimes If You Work - If You Do A Lot Of Takes And You Work Long Hours, For Me, At Least, There Is A Delirium That Starts Kicking In On The Fifteenth Hour, And That Can Help. Below The Just Thirteenth Hour Is Where I Have A Concern, Because Everybody's So Tired.