My New Year's Resolution Was To Stop

I'm Writing A Book About Siamese Twins That Are Attached At The Nose. It's Called: Stop Staring At Me!

The Whole Thing About Working In Front Of The Camera Is To Make People Laugh When They're Not Supposed To.

Yesterday, I Masturbated For 45 Minutes... With Salad Tongs.

I Try To Write Three Jokes Every Day. I Don't Sit Down And Write Them, It's Just Things That Pop Into My Head. Then I'll Go Watch It Fail Onstage That Night.

At What Age Do You Think It's Appropriate To Tell A Highway It's Adopted?