Reciting Lines Is Hard; Making Stuff Up

You Know It's Time To Do The Laundry When You Dry Off With A Sneaker.

I Understand Tea Partyers' Anger With The System, But They Are In Way Over Their Heads And Often Racially Motivated, And I Can't Be Part Of That.

I Have A 60-acre Farm In North Carolina, And I Have A Tractor And A Farmhouse. As Soon As I Groom The Land, I Want To Put Cabins Around And Have A Place Where People Can Write And Hang Out. It'll Be Either That Or An All-black Nudist Colony.

Hookers Don't Like To Snuggle.

I'm The Most Mellow Person Offstage. I Think It's Just, Going Onstage Lets Me Get Out Some Frustration That I'm Too Shy To Do In Real Life. Instead Of Doing It In Private, I'd Rather Do It In Front Of 1,000 People Who've Paid $25 To See Me Lose My Mind.