My Dad Is Actually A Manic Depressive,

Most Of My Comedy Writing Happens Through Improvisation On Stage; Doing It In The Moment.

I've Always Been Someone Who Likes To Talk To People. When I Was A Little Kid, I Sought Out Freaks And Weirdos That Wandered The Streets By Where I Worked In High School. I Would Just Bring Them In And Talk To Them.

I Used To Be Jealous; I'm Not Jealous Anymore. And A Miracle Happened To Me, Because If You're Jealous, It's A Cancer, It's A Plague On Your Spirit, It Really Is. And I Actually Cured Jealousy In A Very Weird Way - I Cured It With Mathematics. And I'm Not A Math Person At All, But I've Been With My Wife For About Seven Years, So We Have Had Sex Probably, I'd Like To Think, Like, 9 Million Times Or, At Least, 1,500. So, The Way I Figured It, If She Goes Out And Screws Some Other Guy Once - I'm Still Winning.

You Know When You Make Popcorn There Are Always Those Fluffy White Kernels That Are Fun And Good To Eat But There Are Also Always Those Burnt, Black Kernels That Don’t Pop. You Know Why They Don’t Pop? Because They Have Integrity.

What Comics Sacrifice And What Lives They Live - I Know That Most Of Their Lives, Their Adult Lives, They're Sitting Around Or Walking Around With Notebooks, Writing Things Down. Usually They're Fairly Sensitive. Usually They're Very Bright. And That Makes Them Poets.