My Cooking Is So Bad My Kids

His Finest Hour Lasted A Minute And A Half.

My Body's In Such Bad Shape I Wear Prescription Underwear.

This Woman Was So Cross-eyed. She Can Go To A Tennis Match And Never Move Her Head.

You've Got To Realize That When All Goes Well, And Everything Is Beautiful, You Have No Comedy. It's When Somebody Steps On The Bride's Train, Or Belches During The Ceremony That You've Got Comedy!

A Stand-up Comic Is Judged By Every Line. Singers Get Applause At The End Of Their Song No Matter How Bad They Are.