My Cooking Is So Bad My Kids

[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God Won't Know Me. There Are No Two Parts Of My Body The Same Age.

Burt Reynolds Once Asked Me Out. I Was In His Room.

How Do You Know They're Growing Up? Well, The Bite Marks Are Higher.

When I Go To The Beach, Even The Tide Won't Come In.

When Buying A New House ... Buy The House Far Enough Away From School So Your Kids Can't Come Home For Lunch.