Most Of My Jokes Are Racist -

I Just Want To Apologise For Being Late. I Was Flying Back From Spain And The Air Hostess Said: "we Are Two Hours Late Mr Carson." When I Asked Why, She Said: "the Pilot Has Heard A Funny Noise In The Engine That He Doesn't Like, So We Are Waiting On Another Pilot Who Can't Hear It."

It's My Wife Ruth's Birthday Soon. I Said To Her: "what Would You Like For Your Birthday?" She Said: "i Want A Divorce." I Said: "i Wasn't Planning On Spending That Much."

Men Only Go For Skinny Women Because They're Too Weak To Argue - And Salads Are Cheap.

Doctor Told Me I've Got Two Weeks To Live. I Said: "can I Have The Last Week In July And The 1st Week In August?"

My Uncle Jimmy Took Liver Salts Twice A Day For 40 Years. He Died On Sunday, Was Buried Wednesday And The Following Friday They Had To Go To The Cemetery To Beat His Liver To Death With A Stick.