Last Week My Tie Caught On Fire,

I Recently Had Double-bypass Surgery. As They Wheel You In, The Doctor Always Gives You A Last Look. You Know That Look. That Look Of Confidence To Make You Feel Good. I Always Say To Every Doctor, If I Don't Make It, I'll Never Know It.

I Knew A Girl So Ugly, They Use Her In Prisons To Cure Sex Offenders.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. Once A Guy Pulled A Knife On Me. I Knew He Wasn't A Professional, The Knife Had Butter On It.

I Told My Doctor I Got Water On My Knee, He Gave Me A Sponge And Raised His Fee!

When We Got Married, The First Thing My Wife Did Was Put Everything Under Both Names - Hers And Her Mother's.