Kennedy Didn't Beat Nixon. Satire Beat Nixon.

When You Have Kids, There's No Such Thing As Quality Time. There's Just Time. There's No, 'ooh, His Graduation's Better Than Going To The Mall.' It's All Kind Of Equal. Changing Her Diaper And Her Winning A Contest - It's All Good.

I'll Go Back To Comedy Clubs When They Get A Real No-camera Policy, The Same Way They Did With Smoking.

They Don't Want You To Vote. If They Did, We Wouldn't Vote On A Tuesday. In November. You Ever Throw A Party On A Tuesday? No. Because Nobody Would Come.

Welcome To The 77th And Last Oscars.

Everyone Has Favorite Criminals. Mine Are Pimps. We Can All Rob A Bank; We Can All Sell Drugs. Being A Pimp Is A Whole Other Thing.