Welcome To The 77th And Last Oscars.

Here's What I Knew About Doing A Play: I Knew It Would Make Me A Better Actor.

I Ain't Shootin' Nobody. So Call Me A Faggot! When The War's Over, I'll Be The Faggot With Two Legs, Thank You!

I've Told Michael Jackson Jokes. If You Got Really Technical, You Could Say Those Are Jokes About Child Molestation. You Could, If You Got Technical. A Lot Of This Is Just Selective Outrage Because Honestly, The Audience Are The Ones That Tell Us That Something Shouldn't Be Spoken. The Audience Lets Us Know. And I've Never, In My Almost 30 Years Of Being A Comedian, Seen A Comedian Continue To Tell A Joke That The Audience Doesn't Respond To. I've Never Seen It.

A Man Is Only As Faithful As His Options.

You Know, You Get Famous And You Work In These Weird Jobs And You Don't Have A Lot In Common With People. But Once You Have Kids, You Have Everything In Common With Everybody.