Keep Moving. It's Hard For Old Age

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

There Is Not One Female Comic Who Was Beautiful As A Little Girl.

Bo Derek Turned Down The Role Of Helen Keller Because She Couldn't Remember The Lines.

Every Comedian Is Furious. Age Makes Me Angry. I'm Unhappy At Not Being Able To Open Packages Anymore. I'm Angry That Libraries Have Gone. I Hate Children On Planes. I'm Very Shallow, So They Tend To Be Little Things. To Be Honest, I Think I Was Probably Angry The Day I Was Born, You Know, About Diapers Or Something.

My Perfect Last Meal Would Be: Shrimp Cocktail, Lasagna, Steak, Creamed Spinach, Salad With Bleu Cheese Dressing, Onion Rings, Garlic Bread, And A Dessert Of Strawberry Shortcake.