I've Tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation,

If Your Husband Wants To Lick The Beaters On The Mixer, Shut Them Off Before You Give Them To Him.

Never Refer To Your Wedding Night As The Original Amateur Hour.

We Have Far Too Many Kids. At One Time In The Playpen There Was Standing-room Only. It Looked Like A Bus Stop For Midgets. It Used To Get So Damp In There, We'd Have A Rainbow Above It.

Women Want Men, Careers, Money, Children, Friends, Luxury, Comfort, Independence, Freedom, Respect, Love, And A Three-dollar Pantyhose That Won't Run.

[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God Won't Know Me. There Are No Two Parts Of My Body The Same Age.