I've Tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation,

Maybe It's True That Life Begins At Fifty. But Everything Else Starts To Wear Out, Fall Out, Or Spread Out.

Too Many Comics Today Ramble. By The Time They Get To The Punch Line, The Audience Has Either Gone To Sleep, Gone To The Bathroom Or Gone To Bed.

Comedy Is Tragedy Revisited Or Hostility. It Is Mock Hostility, Of Course, Or It Would Be Ugly; We Would Have A War.

Self-pity Is Better Than None.

Have You Ever Known Anyone Who Bought A Fruitcake For Himself? Of Course Not. They Are Purchased As Christmas Gifts, Mostly For People You Don't Particularly Like.