I've Got A Long History Of Suicid

Every Sunday My Dad Calls To Ask If I Went To Church. And Every Sunday I Lie And Say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Yesterday I Accidentally Hit A Little Kid With My Car. It Wasn't Serious — Nobody Saw Me.

When I Was Seven, I Broke My Leg Playing Soccer. Just To Feel Something.

Charlie Sheen Called His Boss On 'two And A Half Men' A 'jew Ki**' And Expected To Go Back To Work. That’s Crazy. If You Could Do That And Keep Your Job, Then Everybody Would Do It.

Silence Means They [the Audience] Are Paying Attention. Even If I Drop Bombs And They're Dead Quiet, It's Still Okay. If They Start Talking, That's When You've Lost Them.