I've Been On So Many Blind Dates,

I Took An Acting Class. After The First Day, The Teacher Quit, So They Said Take Another. When I Saw 'how To Be A Stand-up Comedian,' It Resonated. I Realized I'd Rather Make 200 People Laugh Than Make One Person Cry.

I Went To The 30th Reunion Of My Preschool. I Didn't Want To Go, Because I've Put On Like A Hundred Pounds.

My Mom Was A Ventriloquist And She Always Was Throwing Her Voice. For Ten Years I Thought The Dog Was Telling Me To Kill My Father.

I Go Running When I Have To. When The Ice Cream Truck Is Doing Sixty.

I'm Going To Get Married Again Because I'm More Mature Now, And I Need Some Kitchen Stuff.