In Hollywood If You Don't Have A

When The Public Starts Classifying You As Thoughtful, Someone Given To Serious Issues, You Find Yourself Declassified As A Humorist.

Having Money Gives Me The Freedom To Worry About The Things That Really Matter.

Democracy Is Welcoming People From Other Lands, And Giving Them Something To Hold Onto. Usually A Mop Or A Leaf Blower.

Americans, Too Many Of Them, Take Themselves Too Seriously. You're Going To Get Rapped - By The Viewers, By The Sponsors And By The Network Brass - If You Joke About Doctors, Lawyers, Dentists, Scientists, Bus Drivers, I Don't Care Who. You Can't Make A Joke About Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, Politicians, Dogs Or Cats. In Fact, Politicians, Dogs And Cats Are The Most Sacred Institutions In America.

I'm An Entertainer; I Try To Give The Public What It Wants While I'm On The Screen, And I'm Completely Sincere About It. If I Don't Happen To Be A Laughing Boy Off The Screen, That Doesn't Make Me A Hypocrite Or A Phony.