I'm On A Whisky Diet. I've Lost

I Backed Horse Last Week At Ten To One. It Came In At Quarter Past Four.

I'm On A Whisky Diet. I've Lost 3 Days Already.

Went To The Paper Shop - It Had Blown Away.

So I Went To The Doctor's Yesterday. He Said, "what Appears To Be The Problem?" I Said, "i Keep Having This Dream, Night After Night, Beautiful Girls Rushing Towards Me And I Keep Pushing Them Away." He Said, "how Can I Help?" I Said: "break My Arms."

A Man Came Round In Hospital After A Serious Accident. He Shouted, "doctor, Doctor, I Can't Feel My Legs!" The Doctor Replied, "i Know You Can't, I Had To Amputate Your Arms"