I'm Not Elitist. I Like To Do

Actually The Best Thing I Did Was To Get Thrown Out By My Wife. She's Living With A Fitness Instructor. He Drinks That Yellow Stuff In Tins. He's An Idiot.

If You Chase Something Too Desperately, It Eludes You.

I Like The British Public. There Is Something In This Country Called Tall Poppy Syndrome. You're Good But You're Not That Good, Pal, Ok? The Natural State Of Our Nation Is Slightly Miserable, And Probably The Healthier For It. In America You Don't Get A Key Down The Side Of Your Bentley.

People Come Up To Me In Supermarkets And Demand Humour. And The Less Amusing I Am, The More They Piss Themselves. So I Say, "i'm Doing My Shopping, Mate, Ok?" And The Guy Will Be On The Floor In Hysterics. Quite Odd. Eventually I Do Have To Say Something Funny So I Usually Go For Something Pathetic Like, "it's A Nice Place To Shop But I Wouldn't Like To Live Here!" And They Roar Again. Wet Themselves. I'm Lucky Though That I Am Not Massively Famous, I Can Get The Tube Without Much Bother. Must Be Awful Being The Beckhams.

I Don't Like Big Feet. It Reminds Me Of Gammon.