I'm Not As Good A Swimmer As

When I Was 10, I Beat Up The School Bully. His Arms Were In Casts. That's What Gave Me The Courage.

I Never Cheated On My Wife. I Took Seriously Those Vows Of Celibacy.

I've Been Wrestling With Reality For Most Of My Life. I'm Pleased To Say I've Won.

I Was Walking Down Fifth Avenue Today And I Found A Wallet, And I Was Gonna Keep It, Rather Than Return It, But I Thought: Well, If I Lost A Hundred And Fifty Dollars, How Would I Feel? And I Realized I Would Want To Be Taught A Lesson.

When I Was A Kid, My Nickname Was Mr. Baseball. Because Of The Stitches.