I'd Like To Thank The Bbc For

I've Just Had Some Bad News. Tomorrow Is The Mother In Law's Funeral. And She's Cancelled It.

I'm The Most Unromantic Lump Of Northern Suet. Yes, A Woman Did Accost Me Once In South Shields, But She Had A Face Like Red Rum.

I'd Like To Thank The Bbc For Allowing Me To Work Here. And I'd Like To Thank The Wife And Kids For Making It Necessary.

I Went To My Doctor And Asked For Something For Persistent Wind. He Gave Me A Kite.

Mind You, I've Always Been Musical... Mother Used To Sit Me On Her Knee And I'd Whisper, 'mummy, Mummy, Sing Me A Lullaby Do,' And She'd Say: 'certainly My Angel, My Wee Bundle Of Happiness, Hold My Beer While I Fetch Me Banjo.'