I Was Born In Waukegan A Long,

There's Only Five Real People In Hollywood. Everyone Else Is Mel Blanc.

I'm An Old Newspaper-man Myself, But I Quit Because I Found There Was No Money In Old Newspapers.

I Began My Show Business Career Playing Violin In San Francisco At The Corner Of Market And Taylor. I Understand That There Is A Theater There Now.

I Believe In Being Honest With Myself. If There's One Thing I Hate It's When A Comedian Is Great And Won't Admit It. I've Never Met One Like That, But If I Did, I'd Hate Them.

I Went To A Meeting For Premature Ejactulators. I Left Early.