I Think We Need A 12-step Group

It Is My Wish To Die Of Unique Causes, Perhaps In A High-speed Tricycle Crash, A Bizarre Stapling Incient, Or As A Result Of Inadvertently Sucking My Brains Out Through My Ear While Trying To Untwist The Vacuum Hose.

I Don’t Believe For A Second That Weightlifting Is A Sport. They Pick Up A Heavy Thing And Put It Down Again. To Me, That’s Indecision.

My Problem, I Try To Teach My Kids To Eat Healthy Food. But You Get A Cantaloupe, And You Don't Know When It's Going To Come Of Age. You Have No Idea - That Period Between When It's Like, Hard As A Rock To When It's Smushy Inside, Is About Ten Minutes.

President Obama Could Keep A Big Map With Push Pins On It To Keep Track Of How Many Countries Hate Us, And When We Get Down To Only Half, Let's Have A Ball. I'll Blow Up The Balloons Myself.

I Also Like A Great Caesar Salad With Anchovies, Although I Don't Know Why Some Places Say 'with Anchovies.' If You're Making A Proper Caesar Salad, It's Going To Have Anchovies.