I Think Of My Body As A

I've Been At Stand-up 26 Years Now: After A While, You Get As Jaded As The Proverbial Gynecologist Who No Longer Enjoys Drugging And Violating His Patients.

My Girlfriend Told Me That She Was Seeing Another Man. I Told Her To Rub Her Eyes.

My Grandmother's Brain Was Dead, But Her Heart Was Still Beating. It Was The First Time We Ever Had A Democrat In The Family.

I Love My Family. I Came Home The Other Days. My Brother's Passed-out On The Couch, Holding An Empty Bottle Of Sleeping Pills. So I Called The Paramedics, And They Pumped His Stomach, And I Think He's Learned His Lesson: You Know, Never To Take My Last Two Sleeping Pills.

The Only Work I Ever Turned Down Was A Cable Programme Called Diving For Excrement.