When I Was Seven, I Broke My

Usually The Beginning Of A Story That People Hear A Lot. For Example, "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut" Or "my Dad Keeps Losing His Car Keys." And Then I Just Think Of Different Ways The Story Could End. "my Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend." Then I Try It Out On Stage. I Don't Do A Lot Of Re-writing. My Jokes Either Work Or They Don't. The Trick Is Just To Write A Ton Of Jokes.

You'll Get My Assault Weapon When You Pry It Out Of My Curious Six-year-old's Cold Dead Hands.

I Like To Read, But Otherwise I'm Just Your Average, Self-obsessed Comedian. It's Pretty Much All I Think About.

If Your House Is On Fire And You Can Only Escape With Your Life And One Thing, What One Thing Would You Take Out Of Your House? I Got To Think My Laptop Is The One Thing That Is Totally Irreplaceable. Either That Or My Son. Laptop. I'll Go Laptop.

I Have That Need In Me, I Want Everyone To Love Me, But I'm Embarrassed By That Need, So I Wanted To Cover It Up In My Persona. I Felt Like I Wouldn't Be Able To Do Stand-up For A Career If I Was Needy. I Didn't Want To Be Complaining Or Whining Onstage. I Wanted To Be Cool And Do Exactly What I Wanted To Do. That Way I Would Never Have To Change For Anybody.