I Only Do Two Things In My

Remember When You Were Considered An Environmentalist When You Didn't Throw Junk Out The Car Window? I Sure Do Miss That Simpler, Happier Time.

I'm Really More Prolific Than Most Stand-ups. My Act Changes. I Do Fold In New Experiences, New Observations, Whatever You Want To Call It.

President Obama Could Keep A Big Map With Push Pins On It To Keep Track Of How Many Countries Hate Us, And When We Get Down To Only Half, Let's Have A Ball. I'll Blow Up The Balloons Myself.

Adults Are Always Asking Little Kids What They Want To Be When They Grow Up Because They're Looking For Ideas

The Definition Of Adulthood Is That You Want To Sleep.