I Once Had A Large Gay Following,

I Love My Family. I Came Home The Other Days. My Brother's Passed-out On The Couch, Holding An Empty Bottle Of Sleeping Pills. So I Called The Paramedics, And They Pumped His Stomach, And I Think He's Learned His Lesson: You Know, Never To Take My Last Two Sleeping Pills.

The Battle Of The Sexes Will Never Be Won As Long As We Keep Sleeping With The Enemy.

I Pray A Simple Prayer Every Morning. It's An Ecumenical Prayer. Whether You're Catholic Or Jewish Or Muslim Or Hindu, I Think It Speaks To The Heart Of Every Faith. It Goes “lord Please Break The Laws Of The Universe For My Convenience. Amen.”

So I'm At The Wailing Wall, Standing There Like A Moron, With My Harpoon.

When I Was A Kid, My Nickname Was Mr. Baseball. Because Of The Stitches.