I Need To Be On Drugs To

You Know, When You Do Standup There Are Certain Requirements That You Have To Do Like You Have To Go On Stage And When You Get Introduced You Have To Say "hey,how Ya Doin'? How Are Ya?" I Couldn't Do It. It Was False.

All Of A Sudden I Discovered That I'm Allergic To Caviar. It Was The Perfect Metaphor For My Life. When I Was Only Able To Afford Bad Caviar, I Could Certainly Eat My Fill Of It.

I'm Anti-cheese In A Salad.

I Wasn't Making Fun Of My Father In-law's Religion. And Even If I Was So What, It's A Comedy. Religion Should Be Made Fun Of, It's Quite Ridiculous Isn't It. Think How People Spend Their Lives, They Have No Idea. They Go Around As If This Is A Fact. It's So Insane You Know. If I Really Believed That Stuff I'd Keep It To Myself. Lest Somebody Think I Was Out Of My Mind.

I Once Stopped To Pick Up A Girl, And Then There Was This Creepy-looking Guy Standing Behind The Bushes Waiting To Jump Out And Get In, Too. So I Just Quickly Drove Away.