I Love Being Famous - It's Phenomenal.

The World Can't Tell You Who You Are. You've Just Got To Figure Out Who You Are And Be There, For Better Or Worse.

I Want To Tell My Jokes. I Want To Have Time With My Children. I Want To Entertain People. And At One Point, I'll Walk Away From Show Business. But I Don't Want To Walk Away Empty-handed.

If I Can Make A Teacher's Salary Doing Comedy, I Think That's Better Than Being A Teacher.

The Mark Of Greatness Is When Everything Before You Is Obsolete, And Everything After You Bears Your Mark.

Dave! Relax! Close Your Buttcheeks!