I Live Way Below My Means.

Men Do Not Settle Down. Men Surrender.

The Only Reaction That Frightens Me Is People Not Laughing. It's Extraordinary To Me When You Get A Laugh. That You Can Go In Front Of A Bunch Of People You Never Met Before, You Can Say Some Stuff And They All Laugh In Unison - That's Amazing. It's A Miracle.

You Know, Some People Say Life Is Short And That You Could Get Hit By A Bus At Any Moment And That You Have To Live Each Day Like It's Your Last. Bullshit. Life Is Long. You're Probably Not Gonna Get Hit By A Bus. And You're Gonna Have To Live With The Choices You Make For The Next Fifty Years.

The Two Best Things You Can Do For A Person Is Have Sex Or Make Them Laugh.

Nobody Ever Says, 'hey Daddy, Thanks For Knockin' Out This Rent.' 'hey Daddy, I Sure Love This Hot Water.' 'hey Daddy, It's Easy To Read With All This Light.' Nobody Give A Fk About Dads!