I Like To Stay In A Hotel

When You Hear Bacon Cooking....that Sizzling Sound Isn't The Fat Cooking....that's Applause.

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

I Do Just Want To Do Jokes. I Don't Want To Be A Divisive Figure.

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

Have You Seen The Bologna That Has The Olives In It? Who's That For? 'i Like My Bologna Like A Martini. With An Olive.' 'i'll Have The Bologna Sandwich - Dirty.'