Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine.

You Ever Read An Article, And At The Bottom, It Says, 'continued On Page Six'? I'm , 'not For Me. I'm Done.'

When You Hear Bacon Cooking....that Sizzling Sound Isn't The Fat Cooking....that's Applause.

I Feel Like, Even In This Crazy World Of Trump Getting Elected And These Things That Really Kind Of Caught Me Off-guard, I Feel Like I Understand Less Than I Did.

Screaming. Did I Mention The Screaming? Screaming Is Usually Associated With Horror Films And Roller Coasters. This Is Why I Usually Look Like I've Just Watched A Horror Film On A Rollercoaster. Kids Love To Scream. Frightened, Happy, Bored. They Scream. I've Actually Learned To Love The Sound Of A Vacuum Cleaner. It's Just So Peaceful.

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.