I Got Into Comedy Because I Wanted

I Wish My Family Had Taken More Pictures When I Was Growing Up. Instead Of Always Having To Draw Everything.

In The Second Grade, I Would Just Get Bored And A Joke Would Pop Into My Head And I Would Have To Say It. It Was Almost Like I Had Some Brilliant Novel In My Head That I Had To Get Down, And I Would Interrupt Class All The Time And Get In Trouble.

My Neighbor Complains Every Time My Girlfriend And I Have Sex. We're Not Even That Loud. But He Used To Date My Girlfriend.

I Had Written For Jimmy Kimmel And Sarah Silverman In The Past. Jimmy Had A Different Voice, And Different Priorities. He Couldnt Be The Bad Guy In The Joke; He Couldnt Upset People, Really.

Whenever I Meet A Pretty Girl, The First Thing I Look For Is Intelligence; Because If She Doesn't Have That, Then She’s Mine.