I Have Soundtracks For A Lot Of

I'm Not Like A Performer Type.

I'm A Joke Comic. I Tell Jokes. I Like Writing A Joke, And I Like When A Joke Works, And I Like Other Comics Who Tell Jokes.

Is She Crazy, Like It Says On Her Bracelet, Or Is She Just Looking At My Sheets? I Dunno!

I Keep Getting These People At My Shows Who Only Know Me From Television. I Can Always Tell When They're, Like, Emotionally Flinching When I Start Doing My Jokes.

Things Have Been Invented Because Of Alcohol. Like The Taser, Okay? Yeah! The Morning After Pill, Okay? The Reach-around. Judge Judy. What Has Pot Given The World? Hackey Sack? Yeah! Hilarious Ring Tones? Oh Gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It Sucks To Be A Champion At A Sport That Can't Get You Laid. It's An Unneeded Skill Like, I Dunno, Being The Best Banjo Player. Or A Squirter.