I Grew Up In A House Where

When You're A Comic, It's Like Being Born Gay. It's What You Want To Do Every Night When Your Other Friends Are Out At Night Going To Parties.

I'm A Total One-hour Drama Addict. I Think When You're A Comedian, You Tend Towards Dramas Because That's The Less Stressful Thing To Watch.

When I Was 9 Or 10 Years Old, My Dad Took Me Over To A Neighboring Farm To Help Get Stuff For The Meal. The Farmer, Vic, Told Me To Look At All The Turkeys And Pick One Out. I Saw A Cute One With A Silly Walk And Cried, 'him!' Before My Pointing Finger Had Even Dropped To My Side, Vic Had Grabbed The Turkey By The Neck And Slit [the Animal's] Throat. Blood And Feathers Went Flying. I Had Sentenced That Turkey To Death! Up Until Then, I Didn't Know Where Meat Came From—and I've Been A Vegetarian Ever Since.

I'd Rather Have A Girl Exposed To Me Than 25 Women In Prom Dresses Vying For A Stranger.

In Your Twenties, I Think You Should Have All Of The Sex That You're Inclined To Have, As Long As You're Safe About It. Use Condoms And Everything. Go With Your Instincts. This Is The Time To Have A Lot Of Sex And Do Drugs. But Make Sure You Live Through It.